KABUL – Officials from Afghanistan and Pakistan have released remarkably similar, yet entirely contradictory, statements confirming that the recent escalation of hostilities along their shared border is the direct result of an age-old, deeply entrenched 'who started it' argument. Both nations assert they were merely responding to the other's initial, unprovoked action, leading to what experts are calling a 'causal loop of blame.'

“Our intelligence indicates with 97.3% certainty that *they* started it,” stated General Abdul-Hakim Zargai, Head of the Afghan Ministry of Pre-emptive Retaliation, in a press briefing Tuesday. “Their initial provocation, which we cannot disclose for national security reasons, was so egregious it retroactively justified all our previous actions, and indeed, all future ones.”

Across the border, Pakistani Foreign Ministry Spokesperson Dr. Zahida Khan, from the Department of Historical Vindication, offered an equally firm rebuttal. “It is patently clear that Afghanistan initiated the current unpleasantness at precisely 08:47 GMT on an unspecified date. Our response was merely a proportionate, if slightly delayed, pre-emptive counter-retaliation. The evidence is irrefutable, assuming you view it from our perspective.”

Dr. Quentin Piffle, a Professor of Chronological Geopolitics at the University of Fictional Studies, commented, “This isn't just a border dispute; it's an existential crisis of narrative. Both sides are so convinced of their own victimhood that they’ve effectively created a temporal causality paradox where the initial aggressor can never truly be identified, only perpetually re-assigned.” Local goats, reportedly caught in the crossfire, remained unavailable for comment.