LOS ANGELES, CA — Following recent scientific revelations that the popular anti-aging compound polyamine also acts as a potent fuel for cancer, the multi-billion dollar longevity industry has swiftly pivoted. Companies are now introducing a revolutionary new line of supplements featuring 'precision-dosed' polyamines, designed to offer all the cellular rejuvenation benefits without, they assure consumers, accidentally creating a new organ made entirely of malignant cells.

“It’s about finding that sweet spot,” explained Dr. Cassandra Thorne, Head of Bio-Optimized Wellness at 'Ageless You' Labs, in a press release. “Think of it like driving. You want enough gas to get where you’re going, but not so much that you explode. Our new formula is the equivalent of a perfectly efficient hybrid engine for your cells.” Industry insiders suggest the new marketing strategy will focus heavily on the concept of 'responsible immortality.'

Consumers, many of whom have been enthusiastically ingesting high-dose polyamine supplements for years, expressed a mixture of relief and mild existential dread. “So, all this time I was just… supercharging my cells for *something*?” pondered Brenda Harrison, 67, a long-time polyamine user. “I thought I was just getting rid of wrinkles. Now I’m wondering if my colon is secretly planning a hostile takeover.”

The new products, priced at a premium for their 'proprietary balancing complex,' are expected to hit shelves next quarter, promising to extend life just long enough for you to worry about what else you’re inadvertently accelerating.