Science

Scientific breakthroughs, environmental crises, and medical discoveries that sound too weird to be true. From climate change denial to space exploration mishaps, we cover the intersection of science, policy, and human stubbornness.

30 stories

Science

New Study Confirms Women Over 40 Still Capable of Independent Thought Regarding Clothing

Groundbreaking research suggests individuals entering their fifth decade retain basic decision-making faculties, even when faced with a closet.

1h ago

Nation's Celebrities Confirm They Are Also Watching The News

A groundbreaking new study reveals that public figures, much like regular citizens, possess the ability to observe current events.

1h ago

New Study Confirms Humans Still Require Sustenance, Despite Busy Schedules

Researchers baffled by persistent biological need for food, even when 'swamped' or 'just not feeling it.'

1h ago

New Study Confirms Financial Markets Continue To Behave Exactly Like Financial Markets

Researchers at Cornell reveal groundbreaking discovery that things that go up sometimes also come down, and vice versa.

1h ago

Latest Stories

Scientists Confirm Life Began As Unidentifiable Gunk On Unwashed Coffee Mugs

New research suggests the primordial soup was less a vibrant broth and more the crusty residue of forgotten ambition.

1h ago

Groundbreaking Study Reveals Poor People Less Likely To Spend Money They Don't Have

Researchers confirm that individuals facing economic hardship exhibit a marked reluctance to engage with financial innovations requiring disposable income.

1h ago

James Webb Telescope Discovers Galaxy Actively Trying To Escape Its Cluster

Astronomers report the most distant 'jellyfish galaxy' isn't just being stripped of gas, it's making a break for it.

1h ago

Scientists Discover Lasers Can Also Be Used For Pointing At Things, Not Just Flipping Magnets

Groundbreaking research confirms that the focused light beams possess a surprising versatility beyond their recently revealed magnetic manipulation capabilities.

6h ago4

Astronomers Confirm New Planet Is Just Like Earth, But Worse In Every Conceivable Way

Scientists celebrate discovery of TOI-5734 b, a 'hot sub-Neptune' that is too big, too hot, and entirely uninhabitable.

6h ago2

Nation’s Consumers Report Near-Religious Experiences With 5-Star Amazon Purchases

A new study indicates that highly-rated online products are now providing the spiritual fulfillment once sought through traditional means.

6h ago1

Experts Confirm: Your Inner Void Can Be Filled With Exactly 24 New Items This Spring

A groundbreaking new study reveals the precise number of consumer goods required to achieve seasonal self-actualization.

6h ago2

New Thunderstorm Prediction Model Immediately Co-opted by Local City Councils for Parking Enforcement

Groundbreaking meteorological research, intended to save lives and improve agriculture, has instead been repurposed to maximize revenue from unsuspecting motorists.

6h ago2

New Study Confirms Best Exercise For Weight Loss Is Whatever You're Not Currently Doing

Researchers find optimal results achieved only by abandoning current fitness regimen for its precise opposite.

6h ago1

New Study Confirms 97% Of Meetings Could Have Been Avoided Entirely By Simply Not Having Them

Groundbreaking research reveals the most effective strategy for improving workplace productivity is a radical cessation of scheduled gatherings.

6h ago

New Cancer Treatment Requires Patients To Simply 'Vibe' With Their Morning Coffee

Researchers unveil groundbreaking gene-editing therapy that activates only when patients are sufficiently chill and caffeinated.

6h ago

New Netflix Study Confirms Death Is Merely A Suggestion For The Wealthy And Fictional

Researchers analyzing 'Wednesday' viewership data report that the Addams Family's casual relationship with mortality offers a blueprint for the ultra-rich.

13h ago13

Scientists Discover Universe Expanding at Speed of Bureaucracy

New research suggests cosmic growth rate is directly proportional to the number of committees formed to study it.

13h ago5

New Study Confirms Pisces Are Legally Incapable Of Committing To Social Engagements

Groundbreaking research suggests astrological predisposition to last-minute cancellations is now admissible in court.

13h ago4

Ancient 'Hobbits' Extinction Blamed On Their Refusal To Embrace Remote Work

New research suggests the diminutive hominids failed to adapt to changing environmental conditions, preferring traditional office structures.

13h ago5

New Study Confirms Women Over 40 Are Indeed Getting Older

Groundbreaking research identifies 'living' and 'breathing' as primary indicators of the aging process.

13h ago4

New Climate Solution Requires Earth To Be Paved Entirely With Crushed Rock

Scientists confirm that reversing climate change is achievable, provided humanity commits to turning the entire planet into a gravel pit.

13h ago2

Nobel Committee Awards Economists For Groundbreaking Discovery That Money Is, In Fact, Quite Useful

Academics lauded for proving that nations with more stuff tend to have more stuff, shocking absolutely no one outside of peer-reviewed journals.

13h ago2

New Study Finds Celebrity Proximity Directly Correlates With Increased Likelihood Of Witnessing Violent Crime

Researchers confirm that the closer one gets to fame, the higher the statistical probability of encountering a grisly murder or inexplicable disappearance.

13h ago5

Ocean's 'Haze' of Dead Stuff Confirmed as Planet's Most Relatable Mood

Scientists confirm the vast, murky cloud of decomposing organic matter perfectly encapsulates the collective human experience.

20h ago17

Historians Confirm First Fascist Was Just 'Ahead of His Time,' Not Actually a Bad Guy

New research suggests early 20th-century proto-fascist was simply an 'innovator' in nationalist thought, misunderstood by his contemporaries.

20h ago3

New Study Finds Most People’s Nervous Systems Just Fine With A Couch And A TV

Researchers conclude that the average human brain does not, in fact, require a bespoke 'sensory journey' to achieve basic relaxation.

20h ago2

Nation’s Mental Health Crisis Solved by Collective Inhales and Exhales, Experts Confirm

A groundbreaking new study reveals that all societal anxieties can be effectively managed through consistent downward-facing dog poses.

20h ago2

New Study Finds Bathroom Cleaning Requires Exactly 27 Specialized Products

Experts confirm that anything less is simply 'wasting your time' and 'inviting microscopic judgment.'

20h ago5

New Study Confirms All Products Now Made From Same Cheap, Unstable Materials

Researchers find a universal degradation across consumer goods, suggesting a single, highly profitable, low-quality source.

20h ago2

New Study Confirms Humans Are Still Really Bad At Sharing The Sandbox

Archaeological findings suggest ancient civilizations, much like modern office teams, struggled with basic collaborative principles.

1d ago2

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Today's Top Stories

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Science

New Study Confirms Women Over 40 Still Capable of Independent Thought Regarding Clothing

Nation's Celebrities Confirm They Are Also Watching The News

New Study Confirms Humans Still Require Sustenance, Despite Busy Schedules

New Study Confirms Financial Markets Continue To Behave Exactly Like Financial Markets

Latest Stories

Scientists Confirm Life Began As Unidentifiable Gunk On Unwashed Coffee Mugs

Groundbreaking Study Reveals Poor People Less Likely To Spend Money They Don't Have

James Webb Telescope Discovers Galaxy Actively Trying To Escape Its Cluster

Scientists Discover Lasers Can Also Be Used For Pointing At Things, Not Just Flipping Magnets

Astronomers Confirm New Planet Is Just Like Earth, But Worse In Every Conceivable Way

Nation’s Consumers Report Near-Religious Experiences With 5-Star Amazon Purchases

Experts Confirm: Your Inner Void Can Be Filled With Exactly 24 New Items This Spring

New Thunderstorm Prediction Model Immediately Co-opted by Local City Councils for Parking Enforcement

New Study Confirms Best Exercise For Weight Loss Is Whatever You're Not Currently Doing

New Study Confirms 97% Of Meetings Could Have Been Avoided Entirely By Simply Not Having Them

New Cancer Treatment Requires Patients To Simply 'Vibe' With Their Morning Coffee

New Netflix Study Confirms Death Is Merely A Suggestion For The Wealthy And Fictional

Scientists Discover Universe Expanding at Speed of Bureaucracy

New Study Confirms Pisces Are Legally Incapable Of Committing To Social Engagements

Ancient 'Hobbits' Extinction Blamed On Their Refusal To Embrace Remote Work

New Study Confirms Women Over 40 Are Indeed Getting Older

New Climate Solution Requires Earth To Be Paved Entirely With Crushed Rock

Nobel Committee Awards Economists For Groundbreaking Discovery That Money Is, In Fact, Quite Useful

New Study Finds Celebrity Proximity Directly Correlates With Increased Likelihood Of Witnessing Violent Crime

Ocean's 'Haze' of Dead Stuff Confirmed as Planet's Most Relatable Mood

Historians Confirm First Fascist Was Just 'Ahead of His Time,' Not Actually a Bad Guy

New Study Finds Most People’s Nervous Systems Just Fine With A Couch And A TV

Nation’s Mental Health Crisis Solved by Collective Inhales and Exhales, Experts Confirm

New Study Finds Bathroom Cleaning Requires Exactly 27 Specialized Products

New Study Confirms All Products Now Made From Same Cheap, Unstable Materials

New Study Confirms Humans Are Still Really Bad At Sharing The Sandbox

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