PALO ALTO, CA – A comprehensive new study from the Institute for Advanced Corporate Futility (IACF) has definitively concluded that a staggering 97% of all workplace meetings are entirely superfluous and could be eliminated without any discernible negative impact on organizational goals. In fact, researchers found a direct correlation between meeting frequency and a measurable decline in employee morale and actual work output.

“For years, we’ve been trying to optimize meetings, to make them more efficient, to give them agendas,” stated Dr. Evelyn Thorne, lead researcher and co-author of the study, in a press conference held, ironically, via Zoom. “But our data shows that the optimal meeting strategy is simply… not having one. It turns out, most information can be conveyed through email, instant message, or, in extreme cases, a brief, unscheduled conversation at the coffee machine.”

The study, which tracked over 10,000 corporate employees across various sectors, noted that the primary function of most meetings appeared to be “the performative demonstration of leadership” and “a collective agreement to postpone actual decision-making until a later, equally unproductive meeting.” One anonymous CEO quoted in the report admitted, “Sometimes I just call a meeting because I need a break from staring at my inbox.”

Experts suggest the findings could revolutionize corporate culture, potentially freeing up billions of hours annually for employees to actually perform their job duties. However, early indicators suggest many executives are already scheduling follow-up meetings to discuss the implications of the study.