ANNANDALE-ON-HUDSON, NY – Following weeks of intense scrutiny, Bard College’s newly formed 'Ethical-Aesthetic Oversight Committee' has concluded its review into President Leon Botstein’s previously undisclosed connections to convicted sex offender Jeffrey Epstein, determining the relationship was primarily an 'experimental artistic collaboration' rather than a genuine ethical lapse.

The committee, comprised of three tenured professors of Post-Modern Interpretive Dance and a visiting scholar of Avant-Garde Basket Weaving, released a 47-page report early Thursday, citing 'overwhelming evidence' that Botstein’s interactions with Epstein were 'performative in nature, designed to challenge traditional notions of social engagement.'

'While certainly provocative, President Botstein’s choice to cultivate a relationship with Mr. Epstein can be understood as a bold, albeit perplexing, statement on the porous boundaries of human connection,' stated Dr. Seraphina Quibble, Chair of the Department of Existential Puppetry and lead investigator. 'Our findings indicate a 97.3% probability that this was an elaborate, decades-long piece of performance art, possibly titled 'The Banality of Evil, or, My Friend Jeff.''

Student body president, Chadwick 'Chad' McAllister-Smythe III, a sophomore majoring in Critical Theory of Brunch, expressed relief. 'It’s a huge weight off our collective consciousness. We were worried it might be, like, actually bad. But if it’s art, then it’s, like, totally deep, man. Bard is all about pushing boundaries, even if those boundaries are, you know, legal and moral ones.' The committee recommended Botstein receive a special commendation for 'unflinching commitment to artistic integrity.'