LONDON – In a stunning statistical triumph, the UK government has announced that child poverty has been all but eliminated, following a revolutionary recalculation that now includes 'aspirational income' and 'future benefit projections' in household earnings. The Department for Statistical Fantasies (DSF) confirmed yesterday that figures dating back to 2018 will be drastically revised downwards, effectively lifting millions of children out of poverty on paper.

“We’ve simply been looking at this all wrong,” stated Dr. Penelope Wiffle, Head of Theoretical Economics at the DSF, during a press conference held entirely in interpretive dance. “By factoring in the sheer *potential* for future earnings, the uncashed lottery tickets in kitchen drawers, and the emotional value of a child’s dream of becoming an astronaut, we’ve unlocked billions in previously unacknowledged wealth.”

The new methodology, dubbed 'Optimistic Fiscal Reimagining' (OFR), also accounts for the 'psychological dividends' of living in a developed nation. “It’s not about what they *have*, but what they *could have* if they just thought about it hard enough,” explained Professor Alistair Grumbles, Senior Lecturer in Existential Wealth at the University of Greater Surrey. Critics, largely comprising parents still struggling to afford food, were unavailable for comment, reportedly too busy trying to manifest a hot meal.