CAPE MAY, NJ – The U.S. Coast Guard announced today the immediate formation of the 'Strategic Iconography Reassessment & Harmonization Committee' (SIRHC) following the discovery of a swastika at a recruit training center. The new task force aims to meticulously re-evaluate the symbolic impact of all visual elements within the service, moving beyond the previous, admittedly 'hasty,' categorization of the swastika as merely 'potentially divisive.'

“We understand that some symbols, while previously deemed only mildly problematic, may, upon closer inspection, evoke stronger sentiments than a slightly overcooked cafeteria hot dog,” stated Admiral Chester P. Flounder, head of the newly minted Department of Nautical Semiotics and Emotional Resonance. “Our goal is to ensure that no recruit feels anything stronger than a mild, existential ennui during their training.”

SIRHC’s initial mandate includes a comprehensive review of all geometric shapes, alphanumeric characters, and even certain punctuation marks. Dr. Evelyn Snodgrass, a leading expert in vexillology and advanced emoji interpretation from the University of Southern Maine’s Institute for Ambiguous Graphics, praised the initiative. “This is a bold step. For too long, the humble asterisk has been allowed to run rampant, its implications unchecked. What does it *really* mean? We simply don’t know.”

Recruits will reportedly be issued a new 'Emotional Impact Lexicon' detailing the precise level of divisiveness for over 7,000 symbols, ranging from 'mildly unsettling' to 'requires immediate counseling and a warm beverage.'