WASHINGTON D.C. – In a stunning display of bipartisan obstruction, Congress has once again thwarted President Trump's ambitious fiscal agenda, which sources close to the administration confirm included a proposal to 'simply turn off the government, like a faulty light switch.' The President's budget, submitted with a single crayon drawing of a giant 'X' over the national debt, reportedly aimed to reduce federal spending by 100%, effectively ceasing all government operations by Tuesday morning.

“We understand the President’s desire for fiscal responsibility,” stated Senator Mildred 'Muffy' Buttercup (R-KY), Chair of the Subcommittee on Obfuscated Expenditures. “But frankly, his plan to replace the entire federal workforce with a single, highly motivated pigeon named Bartholomew was deemed 'logistically unsound' by a 78-22 vote, with two abstentions from pigeons.”

Among the programs miraculously saved from the President's red pen were the 'National Institute for the Study of Dust Bunnies' (NIFTSDB) and the 'Federal Agency for the Preservation of Slightly Used Staples' (FAPUSS), both of which saw their budgets increase by 0.003% after intense lobbying. Dr. Quentin Quibble, Chief Bureaucrat at the Department of Redundant Oversight, praised Congress’s steadfastness. “Without these vital agencies, who would ensure that no stapler goes un-slightly-used? It’s the bedrock of our republic.”

President Trump, reached for comment via a series of interpretive dance moves, reportedly conveyed frustration, suggesting the nation's fiscal woes could be solved if everyone just 'stopped having so many thoughts.' Congressional leaders, however, remain committed to ensuring the government continues to exist, even if only to debate the precise shade of beige for future office furniture.