HAVANAH, CUBA – In what experts are calling the world’s most elaborate version of hide-and-seek, Cuba's crisis has officially entered Phase 37 of the 'No Fuel, No Fun' plan. Washington's latest tactic involves starving the country until citizens stage the world’s thirstiest flash mobs, allowing the U.S. to 'heroically' step in with bottled water and guacamole.

Ambassadors in Havana’s Siboney district confirmed they are drafting plans to downsize their missions, citing that without fuel, even diplomatic sedans are reduced to pedal power. “It’s like the Tour de France, but with suits,” lamented Dr. Ignacio P. Malarkey, self-appointed Director of Diplomatic Logistics and Occasional Salsa Instructor. “Our fuel reserves are at 3.76%, mainly comprised of hope and expired Energizer batteries.”

Meanwhile, the Cuban government announced its new five-year economic plan: import tourists in pellet form. “We’re installing vending machines that dispense holographic beach experiences,” announced Minister of Imaginary Tourism and Other Hopeful Measures, Marisol Fuego. “Who needs real cash when you have digital sand between your toes?”

Critics argue this approach is less about aid and more about playing a geopolitical game of 'Hunger Games: Havana Edition.' “The U.S. is betting on street protests like it’s the latest Netflix binge,” said Sally Doublethink, Senior Analyst at the Institute for Obvious Outcomes. “Either that or they’ve just run out of ideas and snacks.”