WASHINGTON D.C. — Following an exhaustive analysis of online self-help articles, social media comment sections, and every single family gathering since 2010, leading behavioral scientists have concluded that the global population is now comprised almost entirely of narcissists. The shocking revelation comes after researchers attempted to identify individuals *not* exhibiting at least three of the five commonly cited 'warning signs.'

“We started with spouses, then moved to co-workers, then friends, and eventually, we just pointed the finger at ourselves,” explained Dr. Evelyn Thorne, lead researcher at the Institute for Advanced Self-Diagnosis. “It turns out, if you’re capable of identifying narcissism in others, you’re probably exhibiting a few tell-tale traits yourself. The self-awareness required to spot it is, ironically, a form of self-preoccupation.”

The study, published yesterday in the *Journal of Perpetual Self-Analysis*, suggests that the internet’s proliferation of diagnostic quizzes and 'red flag' checklists has inadvertently created a feedback loop, turning everyone into an armchair psychologist convinced they’re surrounded by villains. “The only person who isn’t a narcissist is the one who isn’t constantly looking for narcissists,” added Dr. Thorne, before excusing herself to check if her own team members were displaying any 'covert grandiosity.'

Further research is expected to confirm that the person who shared this article is definitely a narcissist.