MINNEAPOLIS, MN – Following a highly successful 'immigration surge' that saw federal agents descend upon the Twin Cities, U.S. Immigration and Customs Enforcement (ICE) announced Friday that Minneapolis has been officially deemed 'fully processed.' The agency confirmed its footprint would shrink to a mere 150 agents within the week, primarily tasked with 'maintaining optimal civic tidiness' and, more controversially, 'Operation Nutcracker.'

“We’ve done it. Minneapolis is now operating at peak demographic efficiency,” stated Deputy Assistant Director for Urban Purity Operations, Brenda 'The Enforcer' Schmidt, in a press conference held outside a freshly power-washed bus stop. “Our advanced algorithms indicate a 99.87% compliance rate with all federal guidelines for human residency. The remaining 0.13% are currently being offered voluntary relocation to a specially designated 'Freedom Zone' in North Dakota.”

The agency's new directive, 'Operation Nutcracker,' targets the city's burgeoning squirrel population, which ICE officials claim poses a 'significant, albeit fluffy, threat to indigenous park ecosystems.' Dr. Quentin 'Q-Tip' Abernathy, a self-proclaimed 'Rodent Relocation Specialist' from the fictitious Institute for Interspecies Harmony, expressed cautious optimism. “While controversial, the systematic removal of non-native gray squirrels could pave the way for a more ethnically pure red squirrel population. It’s all about maintaining balance, you see.” Agents are reportedly being trained in humane, yet firm, nut-gathering techniques.