TEHRAN – In a groundbreaking move to optimize national sentiment, Iranian authorities have officially launched the 'National Emotional Containment & Mourning Management' (NECMM) initiative, offering citizens state-subsidized 'Emotional Repression' vouchers for upcoming 40-day commemoration ceremonies. The program aims to channel public grief into 'constructive, non-disruptive channels,' according to the newly formed Ministry of Public Affective Regulation.

Under the NECMM, mourners attending remembrance events will be issued special wristbands, granting access to designated 'Sorrow Zones' where grief is permitted for precisely 17.5 minutes. 'We understand the human need to express sorrow,' stated Dr. Aramesh Khamosh, Chief Architect of Societal Emotional Flow at the NECMM. 'However, uncontrolled anguish can lead to suboptimal civic engagement. Our vouchers ensure a healthy, manageable outpouring, followed by a swift return to productive activities.'

Initial reports indicate a 93% success rate in preventing spontaneous expressions of 'revolutionary rage,' which officials describe as 'unnecessary emotional clutter.' Citizens are encouraged to exchange their vouchers for pre-approved lamentations or a 15% discount on government-sanctioned tea and biscuits. 'It’s about making mourning more palatable,' added Khamosh, 'for everyone involved, especially the state.'