NEW YORK – Dr. Peter Attia, the renowned longevity expert, has officially severed ties with CBS News following the recent unsealing of documents related to Jeffrey Epstein. The emails, which surfaced this week, reportedly show Attia providing Epstein with highly specialized medical advice, including detailed protocols for 'achieving peak cellular regeneration via bespoke mineral infusions' and 'maximizing telomere length for sustained aerial maneuvers.'

According to a statement from CBS, the network and Attia mutually agreed to part ways. 'While Dr. Attia's contributions to understanding the human lifespan are undeniable, CBS News maintains a strict policy against consultants who may have, however inadvertently, aided in the pursuit of immortality for individuals under federal investigation,' read the press release from the Department of Ethical Broadcast Standards.

Fictional Dr. Elara Vance, Head of Bio-Ethical Oversight at the Institute for Advanced Satire, commented, 'It appears Dr. Attia’s commitment to extending life knew no bounds, even when faced with clientele whose moral compass was, shall we say, directionally challenged. One must wonder if his 'optimal bone density' recommendations were truly for health, or for, you know, *other* applications.'

Attia’s emails also contained several 'crude remarks' about women, which a CBS spokesperson described as 'not aligning with our corporate values, especially when juxtaposed with detailed schematics for a 'youth-preserving hyperbaric chamber with integrated collagen-synthesis stimulators' for a client of questionable character.' Attia could not be reached for comment, reportedly due to being 'deep in a bio-hacking retreat, optimizing his personal cellular turnover rate.'