WASHINGTON D.C. — The Food and Drug Administration (FDA) today unveiled a sweeping new set of regulations designed to streamline age verification across the United States. Effective immediately, individuals will be classified into specific age brackets based on their stated preferences for a curated list of foodstuffs, bypassing traditional identification methods.

Under the new guidelines, a declared fondness for blue cheese, anchovies, or black coffee will automatically confer adult status (25+), while an aversion to cilantro or a preference for chicken nuggets will firmly place an individual in the adolescent category (under 18). Any adult found to be genuinely enjoying a 'fun-sized' candy bar or refusing a charcuterie board will be flagged for further psychological evaluation.

“This is about efficiency and societal harmony,” stated FDA spokesperson Dr. Evelyn Thorne, during a press conference where she conspicuously consumed a single, unpitted olive. “Why bother with birth certificates when a simple question about capers can tell us everything we need to know? It’s a more authentic measure of maturity than, say, the ability to vote or purchase alcohol.”

Critics argue the policy is discriminatory, with one anonymous source claiming, “My 7-year-old loves sushi, and my 45-year-old boss still orders off the kids’ menu. This is absurd.” However, the FDA maintains the system is foolproof. “If you don’t like the taste of responsibility, you’re probably not old enough for it,” Dr. Thorne concluded, before excusing herself to attend a mandatory 'kale appreciation' seminar for senior staff.