LONDON – Following a landmark Supreme Court ruling affirming the right of children injured by the NHS to claim damages for a lifetime of lost earnings, the National Health Service announced today a groundbreaking new 'Pre-Emptive Injury Compensation' scheme. The program will automatically award a substantial, albeit theoretical, sum to every baby born in an NHS facility, just in case.

'It's about efficiency,' explained Dr. Penelope Witherbottom, Head of Future Liabilities and Hypothetical Damages at the Department of Health and Social Care. 'Why wait for an injury to occur and then calculate potential lost earnings from a career that may never materialise, when we can just pay everyone now? It's much tidier.'

Under the new initiative, each newborn will be assessed for a 'baseline career trajectory' by an algorithm developed by the Institute for Fictional Economic Futures. This will determine their 'pre-lost' earnings potential, which will then be paid directly into a specially designated 'What If' trust fund.

'This move demonstrates the NHS's unwavering commitment to fiscal responsibility,' stated Reginald Piffle, spokesperson for the newly formed 'Bureau of Anticipatory Litigation.' 'By compensating every child for a potential injury and a potential career they might have had, we are effectively closing the loop on future legal battles before they even begin. It’s a win-win, especially for the lawyers who will no longer be needed.'

Critics, however, questioned the scheme's viability. 'Are we now paying children not to become brain surgeons?' asked one bewildered taxpayer. The NHS maintains the program will ultimately save money by avoiding costly, drawn-out court cases, ensuring a steady stream of funds for... something.