WASHINGTON D.C. – President Donald J. Trump delivered his first State of the Union address of his second term Tuesday night, declaring the nation 'Great Again, Again' to a largely unmoving Congress. The 97-minute speech, punctuated by 37 self-congratulatory pauses, outlined a bold vision for a future where America is 'even greater than it was when it was great the first time.'

Key among the President's initiatives was the 'Platinum Standard of Prosperity' plan, which he asserted would be measured by a 300% increase in the national average of gold-plated toilet installations. “We’re talking unprecedented levels of ceramic opulence,” stated the President, gesturing towards a projected infographic displaying a soaring trajectory of gilded porcelain.

Dr. Fjord P. Blather, Head of Applied Absurdity at the Institute for Post-Truth Metrics, praised the President's innovative approach. “Historically, economic indicators have been so… boring. Tracking luxury commode sales offers a far more visceral, and frankly, shinier, representation of national well-being,” Dr. Blather commented from his office, which reportedly features a solid platinum bidet.

Additionally, the President announced the creation of the 'Department of Perpetual Optimism,' tasked with ensuring all citizens maintain a 'minimum 85% positivity rating' through mandatory daily affirmations and a new federal holiday celebrating 'The Best Day Ever.' Critics, however, pointed to the President's current 38% approval rating, suggesting the nation might require more than just a new department to feel 'Great Again, Again.'