WASHINGTON D.C. — A deepening ideological chasm has reportedly opened within the conservative movement, with prominent figures now locked in a fierce, existential debate over which of their chosen candidates, and by extension, themselves, embodies the 'truest' form of right-wing ideology. The conflict, initially sparked by divergent endorsements in a Texas Senate race, has escalated into a philosophical war of attrition, threatening to consume the very fabric of the right.

Sources close to the ongoing 'Purity Skirmish' indicate that Steve Bannon's staunch support for Ken Paxton has been met with equally fervent backing for John Cornyn from two former Trump campaign operatives, leading to a dizzying array of accusations. “It’s like watching two mirrors reflect each other into infinity, but instead of light, it’s just increasingly niche grievances,” explained Dr. Millicent Quibble, Head of Recursive Political Dynamics at the Institute for Self-Cannibalizing Ideologies. “Soon, they’ll be arguing over who’s more authentically right-wing about the proper temperature for ice cream.”

The Department of Internal Conservative Affairs (DICA), a newly formed federal agency tasked with monitoring the phenomenon, reported a 17% increase in 'ideological micro-fractures' this quarter alone. “At this rate, we anticipate the entire movement will splinter into individual, self-contained political parties by Q3,” stated DICA Undersecretary Bartholomew 'Barty' Fissure. “Each person will be their own party, with their own platform, and their own, singular, unyielding voter.”