WASHINGTON D.C. – The U.S. Department of Epidermal Integrity (DEI) today declared a Level 4 'Nail State of Emergency,' citing an alarming 37% surge in cuticle-related injuries and a 12% increase in 'hangnail-induced existential dread' over the last fiscal quarter. The move comes as dermatologists and nail technicians nationwide report being overwhelmed by citizens exhibiting what officials are calling 'Compulsive Perionychial Disfigurement Syndrome' (CPDS).

“We are witnessing a catastrophic breakdown in basic epidermal self-governance,” stated Dr. Felicia Pincers, Director of the DEI’s Bureau of Distal Phalanx Wellness, in a grim press conference. “Our data indicates a direct correlation between stress levels and the aggressive, often ritualistic, removal of vital nail-bed tissue. The economic impact alone, from lost productivity due to finger-bandaging and the psychological toll of unsightly digits, is staggering.”

Emergency federal grants totaling $4.2 billion have been allocated to fund the immediate deployment of 'Operation: Hands Off,' a nationwide initiative that includes specialized 'Cuticle Containment Units' and mandatory educational seminars on the proper use of crystal versus cardboard nail files. Furthermore, a new federal advisory, 'The 7 Commandments of Nail-Bed Preservation,' is being broadcast hourly on all major networks.