WASHINGTON D.C. – In a bold move to solidify its commitment to traditional American values and the unwavering support of military contracts, Scouting America announced a sweeping rebrand and policy overhaul this week. The organization, formerly known as the Boy Scouts of America, will now operate under the more descriptive moniker, 'The League of Purely Cisgender, Non-DEI-Affiliated, Tent-Pitching Patriots.'

The new guidelines, championed by conservative commentator Pete Hegseth, explicitly permit girls to join, provided they adhere to strict cisgender identification and demonstrate a complete lack of interest in diversity, equity, or inclusion initiatives. Transgender children, however, remain unequivocally excluded, a decision lauded by critics as 'a vital step in streamlining the leadership pipeline for future military engagements.'

“We’re not just building character; we’re building a highly efficient, ideologically homogeneous fighting force, one perfectly tied square knot at a time,” explained General Bartholomew 'Barty' Crumpet (Ret.), Head of Ideological Purity and Knot-Tying Standards for the newly formed League. “Any deviation from the cisgender norm or, heaven forbid, a discussion about 'belonging,' could compromise our ability to secure lucrative government contracts. Imagine a scout asking about pronouns during a simulated ambush! Unthinkable.”

Dr. Millicent Piffle, a leading expert in Adolescent Conformity and Groupthink Dynamics at the Institute for Unquestioning Patriotism, praised the move. “This ensures our youth are focused on the truly important things: fire safety, map reading, and never, ever challenging the status quo. It’s a return to foundational principles, like when scouts only wore wool and believed the earth was flat, but in a good way.”