WASHINGTON D.C. – In a groundbreaking move hailed by some as 'peak capitalism' and others as 'pure genius,' former President Donald Trump announced yesterday he has personally brokered an unprecedented agreement with major tech companies. Under the terms, executives and key personnel from Silicon Valley’s largest firms will now be directly responsible for generating the electricity consumed by their vast data centers, primarily through sustained, high-intensity stationary cycling.

“It’s a beautiful deal, the best deal, tremendous energy savings,” Trump declared from his Mar-a-Lago resort, offering few specifics beyond confirming that 'the biggest names, the very best people' would be involved. “They’ve got the legs, folks. They’ve got the ambition. We’re putting that ambition to work for America’s servers.”

Dr. Fjord Pumpernickel, Head of Applied Absurdity at the Institute for Unrealistic Expectations, noted the logistical challenges. “While the concept of harnessing executive-level anxiety for kinetic energy is theoretically sound, the sheer wattage required for a single cloud server farm would necessitate a continuous, 24/7 peloton of approximately 1.7 million highly caffeinated CEOs,” Pumpernickel explained. “We’re talking about a lot of Lululemon and even more electrolyte drinks.”

Meanwhile, a spokesperson for 'Big Data, Bigger Quads' (a newly formed tech-industry lobbying group), Chad 'The Charger' McMuscles, confirmed the initiative was already underway. “We’re seeing unprecedented gains in both server uptime and glute strength,” McMuscles stated, wiping sweat from his brow. “My personal output alone could power a small cryptocurrency mining operation for at least six minutes.”