WASHINGTON D.C. – In a bold move signaling a new era of economic self-reliance, the United States has officially announced its intention to pursue a groundbreaking 'America First' trade agreement that, for the first time, will involve only America. The pioneering pact, tentatively dubbed the 'Domestic Commerce Enhancement Initiative' (DCEI), aims to eliminate the logistical nightmares and cultural misunderstandings inherent in trading with, well, anyone else.

“For too long, our trade agreements have been bogged down by the need to consider the needs of other nations, like Canada, with their maple syrup and their politeness,” stated Dr. Reginald P. Bluster, Head of Inward-Facing Economic Policy at the Department of Self-Sustaining Commerce. “The DCEI cuts out the middleman – specifically, any country not geographically contiguous with the United States – ensuring that every dollar spent stays precisely where it belongs: within our own borders, circulating vigorously among ourselves.”

Under the proposed DCEI, American goods will be bought and sold exclusively by American entities, transported on American roads, and consumed by American citizens. Early projections from the Bureau of Circular Economics indicate a staggering 0% trade deficit with non-participating nations, a figure hailed as 'unprecedented' by analysts. “It’s a perfect closed loop,” explained Ms. Brenda 'The Loop' Peterson, a Senior Analyst for the Institute for Perpetual Economic Motion. “We make it, we buy it, we sell it to ourselves, and then we buy it back. It’s genius, really. No more awkward conversations about tariffs on lumber or dairy.”

Canada, meanwhile, has reportedly begun exploring a new 'North American' trade agreement with Greenland and a particularly ambitious colony of beavers.