PALO ALTO, CA – A groundbreaking, albeit unexpected, side effect has emerged from WIRED's recent 16-week trial of 'red light therapy' for hair growth. Participants, initially seeking follicular rejuvenation, have instead developed a startling capacity for photosynthesis, rendering traditional nutritional intake largely obsolete.

According to the official report, 87% of testers, after daily exposure to the proprietary 'Crimson Beam 5000' device, not only experienced 'negligible hair regrowth' but also reported a profound, almost primal, urge to bask in direct sunlight for extended periods. Dr. Elara Vance, lead researcher at the Institute for Unintended Biological Outcomes, stated, 'While the hair follicles remained largely dormant, epidermal cells across the entire body began exhibiting chloroplast-like structures. We're seeing a 0.03% increase in glucose production directly from solar radiation.'

One participant, 43-year-old former accountant Kevin 'Leafy' Peterson, now spends 14 hours a day on his balcony. 'My energy levels are through the roof,' Peterson chirped, his skin possessing a subtle, verdant hue. 'And frankly, my grocery bill has plummeted by 92%. I just need a good soak and a few hours under the sun. Though, I do miss pizza.'

The Department of Consumer Wellness and Botanical Integration has issued a preliminary advisory, urging individuals to 'monitor for excessive greening or an uncontrollable urge to orient themselves towards the nearest light source.' WIRED, meanwhile, has announced a new series of articles: 'Best Red Light Therapy for Sustained Human-Plant Hybridization: WIRED-Approved (2027).'