WASHINGTON D.C. — In a surprising turn of events, the Professional Women's Hockey League (PWHL) has formally announced its new strategic position as the United States' sole remaining apolitical space. The declaration comes as pundits note the sport's growing popularity, largely attributed to its perceived immunity from the divisive cultural battles currently engulfing everything from beer brands to children's literature.

“Frankly, we’re just happy to be here, hitting pucks and occasionally each other, without anyone asking us to pick a side on critical race theory or the merits of oat milk,” stated PWHL Commissioner Robyn Davies, in a press conference held on an actual sheet of ice, reportedly to emphasize the league’s commitment to 'unadulterated, frozen neutrality.' Davies added that the league’s only agenda is “scoring goals and not having to issue a statement on the latest Twitter outrage.”

Analysts suggest the PWHL's success stems from its unique ability to unite disparate demographics under the shared banner of 'not thinking about politics for two hours.' Dr. Evelyn Reed, a cultural anthropologist at the University of Southern Maine, noted, “It’s a fascinating phenomenon. People are so desperate for a break from the discourse, they’ll actively seek out a sport where the most controversial thing is whether that last goal was offsides.” The league reportedly plans to offer 'Culture War-Free Zones' at all arenas, featuring concession stands that only sell generic hot dogs and water.

Sources close to the league indicate they are now fielding inquiries from other sports organizations seeking advice on how to successfully avoid being drafted into the national ideological struggle, with one NFL team reportedly considering a ban on all player hairstyles that could be interpreted as a 'statement.'