RICHMOND, VA – A landmark federal court ruling yesterday has effectively mandated that all minors in Virginia maintain continuous, unrestricted access to social media platforms, overturning a state law that sought to limit children's online exposure. The decision, handed down by Judge Bartholomew 'Barty' Frizzle, declared that restricting 'minors' access to constitutionally protected speech' was an affront to their fundamental right to scroll, post, and engage in performative outrage.

'To deny a 10-year-old the ability to instantly share their unsolicited opinions on global politics via TikTok is to deny the very essence of American liberty,' stated Judge Frizzle in his 87-page opinion, which included 14 footnotes referencing popular internet memes. 'How else will our youth develop the critical digital literacy necessary to distinguish between sponsored content and genuine existential dread?'

Experts lauded the ruling for its foresight. Dr. Penelope Pixel, Head of Digital Development at the Institute for Accelerated Childhood Obsolescence, commented, 'This ruling ensures that children are not merely consumers of culture, but active, albeit often confused, participants in the relentless online content churn. We anticipate a 300% increase in children's ability to identify deepfakes of historical figures by age seven.'

Parents across the state are reportedly scrambling to upgrade Wi-Fi plans and purchase additional charging cables. 'My daughter's phone battery life was already a national security concern,' lamented local parent Brenda 'Screen-Time' Smith. 'Now I guess I just buy her a portable generator and hope for the best. It's for freedom, after all.'