WASHINGTON D.C. – In a bold move signaling a new era of federal law enforcement, the Federal Bureau of Investigation (FBI) has officially begun a comprehensive rebranding effort, including the immediate dismissal of all personnel found to have possessed 'an active understanding of federal statutes, particularly those pertaining to classified documents or obstruction of justice.' Sources within the newly christened 'Loyalty Enforcement Bureau' (LEB) confirm the firings are part of a strategic initiative to foster a more 'cohesive and ideologically aligned' workforce.

'We're looking for individuals who can execute directives with enthusiasm, not those who get bogged down in the minutiae of 'due process' or 'evidence-based prosecution,'' stated Dr. Agnes Periwinkle, newly appointed Chief of Ideological Alignment and Morale (CIAM) at the LEB. 'Our internal metrics showed a disturbing correlation between knowledge of the U.S. Code and a reluctance to, shall we say, 'interpret' facts creatively. That's simply not sustainable for a modern, agile agency.'

The purge, which reportedly began with agents linked to inquiries into former President Trump, is expected to expand across all departments. 'Frankly, anyone who can recite the Fourth Amendment from memory is now considered a potential liability,' explained Reginald 'Reggie' Bluster, Interim Director of the LEB's Department of Expedited Compliance. 'We're streamlining. Think of it as a radical simplification of the justice system: less law, more order. Specifically, *our* order.'

Future hires are expected to undergo rigorous loyalty testing, including a 'pop quiz' on preferred historical narratives and a mandatory 'enthusiasm for executive prerogative' workshop.