WASHINGTON D.C. – Former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton delivered a bombshell testimony to a House panel yesterday, asserting with unwavering conviction that she was utterly unaware of the illicit activities transpiring on Jeffrey Epstein’s private island, Little St. James. Clinton reportedly told lawmakers she believed the notorious Caribbean retreat was, in fact, a high-minded literary society.

“My understanding was that it was a rather exclusive, albeit eccentric, gathering of gentlemen dedicated to the rigorous study of obscure 19th-century prose,” Clinton stated, according to sources within the closed-door session. “I distinctly recall hearing whispers of 'Lolita' being discussed, but naturally assumed they were analyzing Nabokov's narrative structure, not, you know, a lifestyle guide.”

Dr. Elara Finch, a leading expert in 'Cognitive Dissonance in High-Profile Individuals' from the Institute for Unbelievable Explanations, commented, “This level of selective perception is truly groundbreaking. To genuinely misinterpret a private island nicknamed 'Pedophile Island' as a scholarly salon requires a unique blend of optimism and perhaps, a very specific type of vision impairment.”

Clinton further suggested that the 'flight logs' detailing visits by various dignitaries were likely just attendance records for their weekly poetry slams. “Perhaps the 'massage' services were merely deep-tissue discussions on existentialism,” she mused, before pivoting to demand a full, televised inquiry into President Trump’s past association with Epstein, presumably to ascertain if he, too, was an unwitting participant in a surprisingly debauched book club.