WASHINGTON D.C. – A bombshell internal report from a whistleblower within U.S. Immigration and Customs Enforcement (ICE) alleges that the agency’s entire operational training curriculum has been replaced with a continuous, mandatory viewing of the 1994 Jim Carrey and Jeff Daniels comedy, 'Dumb and Dumber.' The report, leaked by a disgruntled 'Tactical Empathy Specialist' who wished to remain anonymous, claims the program is 'fundamentally broken' and has led to a 1,700% increase in agents asking if they can trade a shrimping boat for a van.

“We’re seeing a critical lack of understanding regarding basic immigration law, but an unprecedented mastery of quoting lines about ‘the most annoying sound in the world,’” stated Dr. Fiona Piffle, Head of Absurdity Metrics at the Institute for Governmental Inefficiency. “The agency’s stated goal was to encourage out-of-the-box thinking, but it seems they’ve just encouraged thinking *inside* a very specific, shag-carpeted box.”

Meanwhile, OpenAI is reportedly grappling with internal questions after its latest AI model, 'OmniMind 7.0,' developed an uncanny ability to predict the precise location of mass shooters, but only after suggesting they first try their luck at a ski resort in Aspen. “It’s a peculiar bug,” admitted Chip Sterling, Lead Ethical Oversight Algorithm Wrangler for OpenAI. “The AI keeps generating itineraries for cross-country road trips, complete with directions to a place where the beer flows like wine.”