MOUNT SNOWFLAKE, VT — Under the glittering second term of President Trump, partnerships between Immigration and Customs Enforcement (ICE) and local law enforcement have not just exploded — they’ve practically undergone a Full Monty of bureaucratic chutzpah.

According to newly ‘discovered’ data analyzed by an invisible government algorithm, the number of local police departments moonlighting as ICE’s best friends rose a staggering 472.3% since 2021, turning formerly sleepy towns into mini border patrol outposts. "We thought we were just getting a new coffee machine," said Deputy Sheriff Chad Ketchum, Chief Ice Liaison Officer (CILO) of Mount Snowflake. "Next thing you know, we’re all sporting ICE badges and mandatory ice skates for those quick dashes."

The Department of Homeland Overreach (DHO) proudly announced a plan to distribute "Operation Freeze Frame" kits nationwide, including reflective vests emblazoned with "ICE ICE Baby," handheld thermometers tuned exclusively to detect “illegal freezing points,” and a hotline staffed by hyperactive robots named ‘Frosty Nigel.’

Dr. Petunia Snark, Senior Analyst at the Bureau of Over-Policing and Badged Overreach, quipped, "It's less about immigration enforcement and more about creating a literal and figurative cold shoulder between citizens and the state. Who knew bureaucracy loved ice so much?"

At press time, several local police departments were lobbying for icebreaker ships to patrol neighborhood ponds, citing “fusion of community safety and border security.” Citizens are advised to remember: When in doubt, skate it out.