LOS ANGELES – The Recording Industry Association of America (RIAA), in an unprecedented joint statement with the Global Association of Music Consumption Oversight (GAMCO), has officially categorized 'New Music Friday' as a Level 4 'Sonic Overload Event,' effective immediately. The declaration comes after this week's release schedule, featuring new tracks from U2, Hilary Duff, Lana Del Rey, Foo Fighters, Ty Dolla $ign, and Megan Moroney, pushed the industry past a critical threshold of perceived musical newness.

“For too long, we’ve allowed this unchecked torrent of creativity to wash over the public without adequate preparation,” stated Dr. Evelyn 'Ears' McAllister, Chief Auditory Preparedness Officer for GAMCO, from a reinforced bunker. “Our algorithms indicate a 73% increase in ‘novelty fatigue’ among casual listeners, and a staggering 112% rise in ‘decision paralysis’ among playlist curators. People are simply not equipped to process this much fresh content every seven days.”

The RIAA has advised citizens to limit exposure to new releases to no more than 17 minutes per hour and to seek refuge in familiar, pre-2010 playlists if symptoms of 'newness anxiety' occur. Local music stores have been instructed to display 'Caution: Fresh Content' signage, and streaming services are reportedly developing 'sonic safe spaces' featuring only elevator music and whale sounds.

“We’re seeing cases of listeners spontaneously humming jingles from decades past, a clear sign of the brain attempting to self-regulate against the onslaught,” reported Professor Quentin Quaver, Head of Chrono-Musical Displacement at the Institute for Advanced Sonic Studies. “It’s a desperate plea for the familiar, a cry for the comfort of the already-heard.”