WASHINGTON D.C. — Following widespread reports of students seeking historical context outside of traditional classrooms, the National Association of School Boards (NASB) today unveiled a groundbreaking initiative to streamline history education. The new 'History-Adjacent' curriculum promises to deliver a comprehensive overview of the past, carefully curated to exclude any narratives that might require additional research or uncomfortable introspection.

“Our goal is to provide students with a foundational understanding of history, free from the encumbrance of nuanced perspectives or inconvenient truths,” stated Dr. Brenda Carmichael, NASB spokesperson. “Why bog down young minds with the complexities of, say, Afro-Latine contributions when we can cover the basics of colonial expansion in a fraction of the time? It’s about efficiency.”

The curriculum, developed over three years by a committee of textbook publishers and state legislative aides, emphasizes broad strokes and universally palatable anecdotes. Topics such as indigenous land rights, systemic inequalities, and the full scope of global cultural exchange have been reclassified as 'advanced electives,' available exclusively through independent online creators or highly motivated family historians.

“We believe this approach empowers students to take ownership of their learning,” added Carmichael. “If they’re truly passionate about a particular historical thread, they’ll find it. We’re just clearing the path for the stuff that’s on the standardized tests.” Critics, largely comprised of actual historians, noted the curriculum's striking resemblance to existing history textbooks.