WASHINGTON D.C. – Former Nebraska Senator Bob Kerrey has reportedly tendered his resignation from the chairmanship of Monolith, a company specializing in carbon-free hydrogen, following the unsealing of Justice Department documents linking him to the late financier Jeffrey Epstein. The move comes amidst a national shortage of credible explanations for high-profile individuals appearing in Epstein's orbit, according to a recent study by the Institute for Societal Forgiveness.

Kerrey's departure marks the 37th such 'stepping down' or 'mutual parting of ways' since the initial Epstein revelations, pushing the country's reserves of 'I had no idea' and 'it was purely professional' statements to critical levels. Dr. Penelope Wiffle, lead researcher at the Bureau of Exhausted Excuses, noted, “We're seeing an unprecedented strain on the public's capacity to believe that powerful people are consistently unaware of the egregious activities of their close associates. Our predictive models show we'll run out of 'just a casual acquaintance' by Q3 2025.”

Monolith's interim CEO, Bartholomew 'Barty' St. Cloud, issued a statement praising Kerrey's 'distinguished service' while simultaneously announcing a new corporate initiative to 'scrub all digital footprints with the zeal of a thousand tiny erasers.' Meanwhile, sources close to the Department of Uncomfortable Truths suggest that future Epstein-related disclosures may simply be met with a collective, weary sigh from the American populace, saving valuable 'shock and outrage' resources for more pressing issues, such as the impending global shortage of oat milk.