WASHINGTON D.C. – A recent surge in the popularity of at-home sexually transmitted infection (STI) testing kits has inadvertently triggered a national crisis of ennui among young adults, according to a report released Tuesday by the Institute for Existential Youth Studies (IEYS).

“For decades, the agonizing two-week wait for clinic results was a cornerstone of post-coital reflection, a period of profound self-assessment and, frankly, character building,” stated Dr. Cassandra Plexus, Chief Anxiety Architect at IEYS. “Now, with a simple saliva swab and a smartphone app, that vital window of dread has been reduced to a mere 15 minutes. It’s an ethical travesty.”

Students across the country are reportedly struggling to find meaning without the traditional 'will-they-or-won't-they-have-herpes' suspense. Chloe 'SwipeRight' Jenkins, a 21-year-old philosophy major from NYU, lamented, “What’s the point of a walk of shame if you already know your chlamydia status before you’ve even put your socks on? The emotional arc is completely ruined.”

The Department of Preventative Existential Crises (DPEC), a newly formed federal agency, is exploring policy options, including mandatory 72-hour result delays for all at-home kits. “We must protect the sanctity of youthful angst,” declared DPEC Undersecretary Bartholomew 'Barty' Grimshaw. “It’s a rite of passage, not a bug in the system.”