WASHINGTON D.C. – A groundbreaking new study published this week has definitively linked the frequency of human defecation to overall health, prompting immediate calls for nationwide monitoring and potential legislative action. The research, which painstakingly tracked the bathroom habits of millions, concluded that there is indeed an 'ideal' number of daily or weekly evacuations, effectively turning a private biological function into a matter of public health policy.

“For too long, the sanctity of the porcelain throne has been a personal affair,” stated Dr. Evelyn P. Thistle, lead researcher and newly appointed Director of the National Institute of Gastrointestinal Oversight. “But with this data, we can no longer afford such laxity. Your gut is now a matter of national security, or at least, national productivity.”

Corporate wellness programs are reportedly already scrambling to integrate the findings, with several major tech firms announcing 'Poop Performance Reviews' and 'Fiber Compliance Bonuses.' Insurance companies are also rumored to be exploring premium adjustments based on self-reported, or soon-to-be-mandated, bowel movement logs. “We anticipate a significant uptick in preventative health screenings,” said a spokesperson for UnitedHealth, adjusting his tie. “And by screenings, we mean, of course, your daily output.”

Critics argue the study oversteps personal privacy, but proponents insist it's a necessary step towards a healthier, more regular society. The Department of Health and Human Services is expected to release a public awareness campaign next month, featuring animated intestines and the slogan: 'Don't just go with the flow, know your flow.'