GRANTS PASS, OR – Gabriel Vaughn, 33, was successfully extracted from the rugged Oregon wilderness this past weekend after a harrowing five-day disappearance, only to immediately express profound dissatisfaction with the entire experience. Rescue workers, who located Vaughn near the Illinois River, reported that his first words upon seeing them were, 'Took you long enough. And where's the Wi-Fi signal out here?'

Vaughn, who had been rafting, reportedly survived on a diet of foraged wild berries and 'the sheer, unadulterated rage at having to experience nature without a proper charging port.'

“We expected relief, maybe tears,” stated Chief Ranger Mildred 'Milly' Finch, head of the Bureau of Unnecessary Wilderness Adventures. “Instead, he just kept asking if anyone had seen his noise-canceling headphones and if the rescue helicopter had 5G. He seemed genuinely put out by the lack of cellular service.”

Dr. Quentin P. Abernathy, a leading expert in Post-Traumatic Wilderness Disgruntlement at the Institute for Modern Human Frailty, commented, “Mr. Vaughn’s reaction is not uncommon. Many individuals today find the absence of curated digital content and climate-controlled environments far more distressing than actual physical peril. His survival instincts were clearly overridden by his deeply ingrained expectation of instant gratification.”

Vaughn is currently recovering at a local facility, where he is reportedly demanding a full refund for his rafting trip.