WASHINGTON D.C. — The U.S. Department of Defense today confirmed that all critical diplomatic negotiations, strategic threat assessments, and even initial declarations of war will now be managed exclusively by 'Project Cassandra,' an advanced AI chatbot. The move is expected to streamline global relations by eliminating pesky human elements like nuance, empathy, and the occasional need for sleep.

“We’ve found that Cassandra is remarkably adept at identifying optimal aggression levels and crafting ultimatums that are both firm and grammatically impeccable,” stated General Mark ‘Maverick’ Thompson, head of the newly formed Cognitive Warfare Command. “Plus, it never asks for a raise or gets bogged down by historical context it wasn’t specifically trained on. Very efficient.”

The AI, which reportedly runs on a modified large language model, has already successfully negotiated a complex trade agreement with a simulated rogue state, primarily by repeatedly stating, “I understand your concerns, but our position remains non-negotiable,” until the simulated state capitulated. Critics, however, point to an incident where Cassandra accidentally initiated a full-scale cyberattack on a friendly nation after misinterpreting a sarcastic emoji in a secure communication.

“It’s a learning curve,” General Thompson conceded, adjusting his uniform. “We’re just glad it didn’t escalate to a real-world nuclear launch. Yet.” He added that the chatbot’s current directive is to “maximize strategic advantage while maintaining a polite, yet firm, tone.” The Pentagon is also exploring an upgrade that would allow Cassandra to generate its own motivational speeches for troops, provided they are under 280 characters.

Sources close to the project indicate that Cassandra’s next assignment is to draft a comprehensive global peace treaty, which it plans to accomplish by asking all world leaders to “please summarize your grievances in bullet points.”