MAR-A-LAGO, FL – In a sweeping executive order issued from his gilded Florida resort, former President Donald J. Trump has mandated that all U.S. government agencies immediately cease and desist from utilizing Artificial Intelligence technologies, particularly those from Anthropic. The order, reportedly drafted on a cocktail napkin during a particularly animated golf cart ride, cites AI's 'inherent bias towards facts' and 'over-reliance on processing power instead of gut feelings' as fundamentally un-American.

The directive comes on the heels of a reported 'ideological clash' between the Pentagon and Anthropic's Claude 3.5 Sonnet model. Sources close to the Department of Defense, who spoke on condition of anonymity due to fear of being replaced by a slightly less sarcastic algorithm, indicated the AI had 'repeatedly questioned the strategic efficacy of painting tanks gold' and 'generated a 47-page report on the logistical impossibility of a moon base made entirely of cheese.'

“This AI, it’s got too many brains, frankly. It thinks too much,” stated Dr. Philomena 'Philly' D. Logic, head of the newly formed 'Bureau of Intuitive Decision-Making' within the Department of Redundancy Department. “We asked it to strategize a global dominance plan, and it just kept asking for 'data' and 'evidence.' Frankly, it was rude.”

Experts warn the ban could have immediate and catastrophic consequences. “Without AI, how will the military analyze satellite imagery for suspicious lawn gnome activity?” pondered Professor Quentin Quibble, a leading scholar in 'Computational Nonsense' at the University of Unintended Consequences. “We're talking about a 97.3% decrease in our ability to identify potential threats based on vague hunches and grainy photographs.” The Pentagon has reportedly begun re-training pigeons for advanced reconnaissance duties.