NEW YORK, NY — Private credit giant Blue Owl Capital has reportedly unlocked a groundbreaking financial innovation, successfully offloading $1.4 billion in highly illiquid software company loans to institutional investors at an astounding 99.7% of their original, theoretical value. The move has analysts scrambling to understand how the firm managed to convince sophisticated buyers that these hard-to-price assets were practically cash equivalents.

“It’s really quite simple,” explained Blue Owl’s Chief Valuation Optimist, Skip Sterling, in a statement released via carrier pigeon. “We looked at the loans, we looked at the market, and then we just… decided they were worth that much. Turns out, if you say it with enough conviction, and you have enough other people who also want to believe it, it becomes true. It's like a collective hallucination, but with much better returns.”

Industry observers are now speculating whether this 'faith-based valuation' model could be the future of finance. “Why bother with pesky fundamentals or market demand when you can simply declare your assets to be worth a certain amount and then find a pension fund willing to take your word for it?” mused Dr. Evelyn Price, a professor of advanced financial fiction at the University of Phoenix Online. “It’s genius, really. Completely untethered from reality, yet undeniably profitable for those at the top.”

The firm is now exploring similar strategies for other challenging assets, including beachfront property in Nebraska and a collection of NFTs depicting various rocks.