NEW YORK, NY — Maurene Comey, the former federal prosecutor abruptly dismissed last year after her involvement in the Jeffrey Epstein case, has reportedly joined the prestigious New York law firm Patterson Belknap Webb & Tyler. Sources close to the firm indicate Comey will head a newly formed 'Strategic Information Containment & Archival Dissolution' division, focusing on what the firm describes as 'proactive data lifecycle management.'

“Ms. Comey’s unparalleled expertise in handling sensitive, high-profile cases where certain information simply… evaporates, makes her an invaluable asset,” stated Bartholomew 'Barty' Finch, Director of Client Narrative Optimization at Patterson Belknap. “Her unique perspective on the fragility of evidence, particularly when it pertains to powerful individuals, aligns perfectly with our firm’s commitment to bespoke client solutions.”

The new division is rumored to offer services including 'pre-emptive subpoena response planning,' 'digital footprint reduction,' and a premium 'memory-hole-as-a-service' package for clients whose pasts are proving inconveniently persistent. Insiders suggest Comey’s first major project will involve a comprehensive review of the firm’s shredder fleet, ensuring optimal throughput and deniability.

“It’s a logical next step,” commented Dr. Evelyn P. Thistle, Professor of Jurisprudential Ephemera at the Institute for Advanced Legal Obfuscation. “After witnessing firsthand how effectively certain facts can be… de-prioritized… in the public interest, her skills are now perfectly positioned to serve the private sector’s equally urgent need for selective amnesia.”