OLYMPIA, WA – Washington State House Majority Leader Joe Fitzgibbon issued a public apology Monday, not for appearing 'impaired' during a recent budget hearing, but for failing to achieve a 'sufficiently profound state of inebriation' to effectively navigate the complexities of the state's fiscal plan. The apology came after reports surfaced of Fitzgibbon's slurred speech during a critical Appropriations Committee session.

“I deeply regret that my level of impairment was merely 'noticeable' rather than 'transcendent,'” Fitzgibbon stated in a press release issued at 3:17 AM. “My constituents deserve a representative who is either fully sober and engaged, or so utterly detached from reality that their pronouncements become prophetic. I fell tragically short of both benchmarks.”

Dr. Elara Vance, Head of Legislative Consciousness Studies at the University of Puget Sound, commented, “Representative Fitzgibbon's BAC, reportedly a paltry 0.09%, suggests a concerning lack of commitment to the legislative process. True budget mastery often requires a cognitive state somewhere between a shamanic trance and a very expensive brunch.”

Local bartender Chet 'The Pour' Henderson, owner of 'The Gavel & Grain' tavern, expressed disappointment. “He only had two 'Evergreen Delusions' and a 'Fiscal Cliffhanger.' Amateurs. If you're gonna legislate while lubricated, you gotta commit. We're talking at least five 'Gerrymandered Gimlets' to really get those numbers singing.”

The incident has sparked a bipartisan call for clearer guidelines on acceptable levels of legislative impairment, with some suggesting a mandatory 'pre-hearing performance enhancement' for all major financial discussions.