CHICAGO — In a stunning revelation that has rocked the luxury hospitality industry, Thomas Pritzker, chairman of Hyatt Hotels, has resigned after admitting to what he diplomatically described as "terrible judgment" for maintaining contact with Jeffrey Epstein.

Sources close to Pritzker disclosed that the billionaire’s social blunders extended beyond mere contact, allegedly including attending a secret Epstein brunch club held every Tuesday at an undisclosed location featuring $1,200 avocado toasts and discussions on ethical blind spots in high society. "We estimate that Mr. Pritzker attended approximately 42 of these brunches, missing only when he was busy thinking about more terrible judgments," said Dr. Millard Flimsy, PhD, Chair of the Institute for Questionable Decision-Making in Billionaires.

Pritzker’s resignation was described by Hyatt spokespeople as a "generous sacrifice to protect the brand’s sanctimonious sheen." Meanwhile, an anonymous source within Hyatt’s Department of Unfortunate PR Strategies noted, "We’re considering rebranding the loyalty program as 'Hyatt: We Know a Guy.'"

Ethics consultant Dr. Penelope Sigh remarked, "The Pritzker case highlights an industry trend where 'terrible judgment' has become the new corporate currency. Future CEOs might just outsource moral oversight to interns."

Hyatt representatives declined to comment on whether future social calendars will come with built-in FBI background checks or complimentary crisis management seminars.