ASPEN, CO — Facing an existential threat from what experts are now calling 'less-cold weather,' the National Ski Area Operators Association (NSAO) today announced a groundbreaking, multi-billion-dollar initiative to wrap all remaining snow in high-thread-count thermal blankets. The audacious plan, dubbed 'Operation: Cozy Powder,' aims to preserve dwindling snowpacks across the Western United States.

“We’ve tried snow cannons, prayer circles, and even reverse-osmosis cloud seeding,” stated Dr. Brenda 'Blizzard' McMillan, Chief Thermos-Dynamics Strategist for the NSAO, at a press conference held atop a rapidly thawing bunny slope. “But the science is clear: snow, much like a toddler, performs optimally when swaddled. Our preliminary data from a test patch at Mount Chillmore showed a 0.003% reduction in melt rate over a 72-hour period, which, frankly, is a game-changer.”

The NSAO is now lobbying Congress for the 'Federal Flannel & Fleece Preservation Act,' requesting $3.7 billion in subsidies for industrial-grade, ethically sourced wool blankets. “This isn't just about skiing; it's about the very fabric of American winter leisure,” argued Representative Chad 'Chilly' Peterson (R-MT), Chairman of the House Subcommittee on Recreational Precipitation Retention. “If we can’t keep our snow tucked in, what’s next? Blanketing the polar ice caps? Let’s not get ahead of ourselves.”

Critics, primarily from the 'Climate Change Is Real' lobby, suggest addressing the root causes of warming. However, McMillan dismissed such notions. “That’s a long-term strategy. Our focus is on the immediate, highly lucrative problem of snow not staying frozen. Blankets are a tangible, quantifiable solution you can literally feel.”