OREM, UT – The recent indictment of Bobby Edwards, co-founder of the revolutionary Squatty Potty, on charges of 'kiddly diddly' has sent shockwaves through the nascent, yet highly lucrative, 'optimal elimination' sector. Analysts predict a potential 17% decline in global colon health by Q3 if the company’s innovative posture-aiding devices lose their visionary leadership.

Edwards, whose product famously promised to 'unclog humanity,' is now facing a different kind of blockage. The charges, detailed in a 37-page indictment from the 14th District Court, allege activities that Dr. Penelope Fecalmatter, head of the Institute for Rectal Rectification, described as 'deeply antithetical to the very spirit of healthy, unobstructed flow.'

“This is a devastating blow to the entire gastrointestinal wellness movement,” stated Dr. Fecalmatter, speaking from her clinic, 'The Happy Colon.' “How can we expect people to achieve perfect 35-degree squatting angles if the man who taught us how is himself… misaligned?”

Company spokespersons have remained tight-lipped, only issuing a statement reaffirming their commitment to 'gravity-assisted relief' and 'maintaining the integrity of the elimination experience.' However, sources close to the firm report a frantic search for a new 'Chief Poopositioning Officer' who can navigate the company through this turbulent period without compromising its core mission of facilitating effortless waste disposal. Consumers are reportedly stockpiling their existing Squatty Potties, fearing a future of less efficient, less dignified bathroom experiences.